Things not to shout out in the workplace

I've been following the Swine Flu epidemic closely, and reading every story that appears about a new fatality.

As I read I've been playing Underlying Causes lotto, trying to guess which paragraph the story will reveal that the victim in question had health issues that ultimately meant their demise.

Today I saw the first story, I won't link to it, where a healthy person died.

Naturally I shouted out 'ha ha, sucked in fitty, take that in the neck.'

A colleague asked what I was talking about. Proudly I announced that pig flu was starting to claim the fit and vigorous. 'That's for all us unhealthy people' I added, possibly employing a black power fist salute.

Yeah ... turns out it was a young child.

Area man feels chastised. And rightly so!

From Fabio's heart ... to you ...

Hello ladies and men who like men, I am Fabio, wünderman. No, that’s not enough for Fabio. Uppercase I think, WÜNDERMAN.

The ladies, and men who like men, you like the Fabio – and too much I fear. Some men approach my level of beauty as well, and forever are being troubled by too much attention.

The ladies, and men who like men, they see Fabio and they think he is up for it. But no, the reality is Fabio can only perform sexually seven to eight times a day before even Fabio needs a love nap.

I have been blessed and cursed by my beauty. Legend has it even as a baby fresh from my mother’s womb the attending midwife attempted to mount Fabio. And my mother, my dear sweet mother, did get moist in her vag-glands from Fabio’s suckling.

In my many travels I have found but one thing and one thing alone repels the ladies, and men who like men.

Fabio, who with men (who did not like men because they would not be focussed on Fabio’s needs otherwise) in white coats, has developed a potion – a poultice if you will – that can temporarily quench the desires of the ladies and men who like men – from attempting to pull down Fabio’s tight leather pants and have sexual congress with his – that is my – parts which are occasionally private in nature.

Fabio is proud to introduce his sexy new roll on, Extract of Goose Blood. Yes, a little dab here and a little dab there on the face, and the ladies – and men who like men – temporarily have their flames of desire turned down to an acceptable level.

Fabio was turned on to this secret repelling agent from a horrifying accident involving Fabio, a roller coaster, and a low flying goose. Fabio could tell from the reactions of the many ladies clustered around him like moths around a very bright light that they, while still wishing to mount Fabio, most likely would not have done so while blood and feathers were smeared across Fabio’s face.

So there you have it beautiful people. If you need to dim the burning passion in another, simply roll on Fabio’s extract of goose blood. Also, the roll on is shaped like the top 1/8th of Fabio’s Johnson, so if you like, and you know you might, you can have some sexy alone time as well.

However don’t do what Fabio did and leave the roll on out on the chair next to the shower…

And then there were three

Fresh from the horror that is the life and surrounds of Jacko comes word that Dear Daddy, who once dressed up as Pennywise and slithered through Jackson's window to teach him a lesson to leave it closed, has plans for Jacko's kids.

"I keep watching Paris, she maybe wants to do something, you know," he said. "And Blanket, he can really dance, that's what they're saying. He can really dance."

Is it me, or is JJ, replete with sinister pencil mo and old hat, starting to resemble the crossroads devil from Blues mythos?

Same coin?

Jacko ...













Joker...

Oh dear

Spammers who offer to improve the capabilities of my khram are beginning to sound a lot like the Czech brothers from SNL.

A sampling of recent Subject lines...

Extra hours of making her happy
Something to raise your lever
Improvement for night intruder
Make your man's carrot grow
Become legendary macho
For never failing ill-life
Never finish fast in bed
Bringing fuel of passion
Use your carrot better
Give your nob real power
Pilules for boy-on-girl action
Make her sweaty and exhausted
Love response won't be weak
Desire activator
Send your satellite inside her!
Liquidate man's main problem
Singer Sewing Machine $199 + Free Shipping!


That last one is particularly obtuse.

Recent DVD splurge

Being sick, and last weekend, I've had the opp to watch some new release DVDs. Here's the list order of being watched (first to last) and some words

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Liked this a lot. Beautifully shot. The scene with the sub was genuinely dramatic. A tragic romance. Awesome CGI.

Bolt
Animation was spectacular. Story was excellent. Voice work good. Rhino (a hamster in a ball) stole the movie.

W.
Great stuff. Brolin nailed Bush. Elisabeth Banks as Laura was disturbingly cute. Thandie Newton's Condie was hilarious. Loved Dreyfus as Cheney - though Dreyfus didn't have that Walrus barking growl that we know and love.

Big Stan
TheWife vetoed this as a couple choice so this was a movie for me being at home sick. I liked it. Sure, basic plot, but the humour was okay and I did like the positive no rape message.

This shouldn't be a spoiler because it's in the previews but in order to retard the likelyhood of rape, Big Stan gets a sphincter tatt. Something really scary. In the best traditions of cinema where what is not seen is scarier than what is ... we don't see it. But the horrified guard who does (during a strip search) says it's alien and another that it stares right into his soul.

My mental pic for a prison rape stroke killer of a sphincter tatt ... was this.

If HM were on Facebook...

Mikey is ... feeling sorry and sad for himself because he has a nasty throat infection and is tired of honking up goobs and fishing around for a tissue and being unable to find it and wiping it on the carpet instead.

Eyedrobe Malfunction: Wilkins

Today show, Australia: The set of the Today Show in Australia saw an extraordinary event when celebrity newsologist, Richard Wilkins, had what witnesses called an ‘eyedrobe malfunction’, as a machine design to assist Wilkins to emote during the live coverage of the Jackson Funeral went into overdrive.

‘Richard isn’t just a celebrity news reporter – he is a celebrity,’ said an unnamed producer. ‘And as a B lister on the cusp of A-listing, he needs to maintain an edge. His face is his job.’

Left: It begins...

Unfortunately for Wilkins looking good has, like for so many celebs, come at a price. In that showing any form of emotion other than mild surprise has become somewhat difficult – due to the injection of agents, originally developed out of bio warfare research, to smooth facial wrinkles.

‘Richard’s face is the emotive antithesis of a tampon box,’ said the producer, referring to how the packaging of feminine hygiene products often spruiks the numerous physical activities a lady can enjoy while using a device such as horse riding, swimming, pole vaulting, and Parkour. ‘He can’t cry, laugh, sing, or engage in any other emotion dependent on large scale facial movement. Therefore he needs the occasional mechanical assistance.’

The assistance in this case came in the form of artificial tear ducts, saline solution fed through micro flesh coloured tubes funneled through Wilkins’ elaborate coifed hair and along cheekbones and up to the inner corner of his eyes. The system designed to produce droplets in the manner of a garden irrigation system at the press of a button concealed in Wilkins’ hand.

‘Alas we didn’t explain the operation to Wilkins, who assumed the control was used in the same manner as the pain medication release button you find in post operative theatres attached to day surgeries, and he pressed it several times, assuming there would be a cut off point…’

Wilkins’ 'eyedrobe malfunction' soaked numerous panelists and special guests, all of whom had something to do with Jackson – such as the hotel maid that serviced Jackson’s room when he was in Australia and married Debbie Rowe (”eees generous tipper”) to that idiot with the bejewelled half fez that’s always dragged out for musical identity commentary when anyone remotely famous karks it.

Phew

I just grappled with the beast that is Amazon and successfully placed an order for a used book.

Book price (USD) - $2.95.

Total cost with shipping .... (AUS) - $20.

But ... I've spent five years looking for it in 2nd hand shops to no avail and Me Wantee!

If HM was on Twitter ...

Thank god. Out of here. Boo to shopfronts! http://bit.ly/RC1ty2

Feeling postal... http://bit.ly/cv1ty2

Hate...seethe....hate... http://bit.ly/bh1ty2

I've wasted so much fcking time! http://bit.ly/pC1ty2

Why can't I do this through the web?! http://bit.ly/Ry1ty2

Noooooo! This is so fcked. http://bit.ly/pC1ty2

Plse... I just want to get outofhere. http://bit.ly/PC1ty2

Oh my gawd, hurry the fck up. http://bit.ly/RC1to2

Really should have gone to toilet 1st http://bit.ly/pp1tft

Oh come on! http://bit.ly/RC1ty112

Checklist - 'Do I sometimes veer dangerously down the lane for 0 rsn? Yes/sometimes/no http://bit.ly/RC1ty2

Only decent sized thing to rd is Driving after 75. http://bit.ly/RC1ty15

Nothing to read. Always bring a book - always! http://bit.ly/RC1ty24

I have a B ticket. Just A tickets on the queue screen. http://bit.ly/RC1ty2

Jesus Christ, how many people are here?! I thought it'd be like 2 ple. http://bit.ly/RC1ty

At the govt shopfront to get my defect notice lifted http://bit.ly/RC1ty

Good bye, good ...

So Sarah Palin has quit eh? Didn't want to be a "lame duck" and actually, you know, govern the state to which she was elected governor.

As noted in this Vanity Fair article, one of the reasons she is popular with certain elements of the right wing rantosphere is that she's the first fertile (and semi-hot) woman on the right to ever come along (as best as I can tell) and gain national prominence.

Another aspect of the Palin phenomenon bears examination, even if the mere act of raising it invites intimations of sexism: she is by far the best-looking woman ever to rise to such heights in national politics, the first indisputably fertile female to dare to dance with the big dogs. This pheromonal reality has been a blessing and a curse. It has captivated people who would never have given someone with Palin’s record a second glance if Palin had looked like Susan Boyle. And it has made others reluctant to give her a second chance because she looks like a beauty queen.

Did this make her a good administrator? Hell no.

UPDATED: Richard Cohen on the Wash Post weighs in...

Naming Palin to the GOP ticket -- a top-down choice by McCain -- was the most reckless decision any national politician has made in the longest time, and while it certainly says something about McCain, it says even more about his party. It has lost its mind.

Recall, after all, that Palin was not McCain's first choice. That was either Joe Lieberman or Tom Ridge. Both were rejected by the party establishment because of their appalling moderation on social issues over which the president has little direct authority anyway -- abortion, above all -- and in Lieberman's case because he had been a Democrat. In desperation, McCain turned to Palin.

Was there a scream of protest? No. Did the Republican Party demand to know of McCain what the hell he had done? Again, no. Was it okay with the GOP if the person a heartbeat away from the presidency was -- pardon me, but it's true -- a ditz with no national experience whatsoever? You betcha. The party had cracked up, accepting a nullity because she was antiabortion over a seasoned senator and former governor because they were not. Ideology won. The nation lost.

See here.

UPDATE2: ... and Eugene Robinson's view...

The reasons she gave for stepping down are not just contrived or implausible but literally nonsensical. She can most effectively serve the people of Alaska by ceasing to exercise the powers of chief executive? She worries that as a lame duck she would somehow be compelled to waste taxpayer money on useless junkets? In her "Don't Cry For Me, Alaska" news conference announcing her departure, the folksy non sequiturs -- "Only dead fish go with the flow" -- were like nuggets of Cartesian logic amid a tub of mush.

See here.

♫ ♪ ♫ Call me (Senator) Al ♫ ♪ ♫

My progressive hero, Al Franken, last week was ruled to also be Senator Al Franken of Minnesota, the supreme court of that state ruling that the vote count had indeed Al as the legit winner.

Here's a Washington Post article of his coming into the building to get ready for the swearing in. What an awesome moment. Take that wingnuts!

PS Media Matters has recorded some of the wingnuts have a sooky sook moments.

A salty sea dog vents against ACT traffic

As punters know my dodgy old Mazda got a defect notice. Luckily for me there's a mechanic near my work.

I booked it in and dropped the car off. I mentioned the defect notice.

'Yeah those fuckers are fucks,' said the mechanic. 'It's nothing more than a fucking revenue raising exercise... the fuckers. Fuck them - all of them.'

I'm paraphrasing here but it was definitely tinged with both frequent use (and derivatives of) the word fuck and dripping hatred for the 'fuckers' that run around carparks giving defect notices to people.

It was pleasantly refreshing to hear it - given my being ensconced in a workplace where use of language such as that results in a talking to - and from a person that would directly fiscally benefit from said fuckers fucking running around and giving fuckers fucking defect notices.

PS Fuck.

That dog's got a puffy tail!

I was on my vigorous, shin straining walk when a couple of ducks crossed the path in front of me.

They were waddling so fast they were almost running. They fully reminded me of the dog with the puffy tail that Homer chases.

I was two seconds away from shouting 'HERE PUFF, HERE PUFF' and chasing them.